How Polarity Management Transforms the Way We Lead

“When the wind shifts, some build walls to block it – others build windmills to harness it.”

As a professional mediator and conflict resolution practitioner, I’ve seen a familiar pattern repeat itself across boardrooms, teams, and relationships: People get stuck in unresolvable arguments because they’re trying to solve something that isn’t a problem – it’s a polarity. And one of the most helpful tools I use to shift this thinking is the Polarity Management model or both/and thinking.

If these terms feel abstract, don’t worry. Let’s start with something closer to home:

Your breath.

The Wisdom of the Body: Why Breathing Is the Perfect Polarity

Take a moment and slowly breathe in … now exhale. You just engaged in a natural polarity. Inhaling and exhaling are not opposing forces in conflict – they’re partners in rhythm. You need both to survive. Favour only one, and your system fails.

This is the essence of polarity thinking. Breathing isn’t something you fix once and move on from. It’s a dynamic balance you manage continually. The same is true for many tensions in leadership, relationships, and teams. They aren’t problems to solve, but interdependent truths to manage over time

Unlike problems, which can be solved and set aside, polarities are recurring tensions where both sides offer real value.

What Is Polarity Management?

Polarity Management, a concept introduced by Dr. Barry Johnson, is a way of thinking and leading that helps us deal with ongoing tensions that have no permanent solution – just better or worse ways of being held in balance.

Unlike problems, which can be solved and set aside, polarities are recurring tensions where both sides offer real value. When one side is overused at the expense of the other, it creates an imbalance. The goal isn’t to choose a side, but to manage the tension over time to harness the benefits of both.

When Should You Use Polarity Thinking?

Here’s a simple test:

• Are both sides offering something valuable?
• Does this debate or dynamic show up repeatedly?
• Does “winning” on one side usually create new problems later?

If the answer is yes, you’re probably looking at a polarity rather than a simple problem.

A Common Example: Candor vs. Compassion

Let’s say you’re managing a conflict between two team leaders.

One says, “We need more honesty. People are afraid to speak up and performance is suffering.”

The other says, “We can’t just blurt things out. People are feeling hurt and demoralized.”

Is one right and the other wrong? Not at all.

What we’re seeing is a polarity between candor and compassion. Both are good. Both are needed. And both become problematic when overused.

Candor brings clarity, directness, and the ability to address issues head-on. But overdone, it can become blunt, harsh, and alienating.

Compassion brings warmth, safety, and trust. But overdone, it can turn into avoidance, lack of accountability, and unclear expectations.

The solution isn’t to pick one and abandon the other. It’s to ask: How do we build a culture where people speak the hard truths with respect and kindness?

In mediation, once people see that their “side” is just one part of a healthy dynamic, the temperature drops. Blame turns into curiosity. Opposition becomes partnership.

Managing the Rhythm

This is where the breathing metaphor comes in again. If your team is leaning too heavily into candor – always “inhaling” correction and blunt truth – people may stop listening. If it’s all compassion – an endless “exhale” of grace and comfort – important issues might never be addressed.

What’s needed is rhythm. A breath in. A breath out. A willingness to notice when things are out of balance and make a subtle shift.

In practice, this might look like:

• Starting performance conversations with affirmation (compassion) before offering constructive feedback (candor).
• Inviting employees to reflect on how feedback is delivered – not just what’s said, but how it lands.
• Naming the tension openly: “We want to be both kind and clear here. Let’s hold space for both.”

A Conflict Manager’s View

In mediation, once people see that their “side” is just one part of a healthy dynamic, the temperature drops. Blame turns into curiosity. Opposition becomes partnership.

For example, I once worked with a leadership team stuck in a recurring debate. Some wanted more structure and consistency; others wanted flexibility and innovation. For months, they treated this as a battle – until we framed it as a polarity. Then they saw that structure creates safety, while flexibility allows growth. Too much structure stifled initiative; too much flexibility created chaos. Neither was the enemy – they were both essential.

They didn’t need to choose, they needed to breathe. Sometimes inhaling clarity and policy, other times exhaling creativity and responsiveness.

5 Ways to Spot and Work with Polarities

Here are a few practical tips:

Listen for Values

If both sides of a debate are rooted in deeply held values, you’re likely dealing with a polarity.

Surface the Upsides and Downsides

Name what each side brings to the table, and what happens when it’s overdone.

Watch for Early Warning Signs

Identify the signals that you’re tipping too far into one side’s downside (e.g., silence in meetings or rising interpersonal friction).

Design Small Shifts

Rather than swing the pendulum, make small corrections. Breathe in a little more candor; exhale a little more care.

Use Shared Language

Come up with phrases that remind people of the balance. Things like, “Bold and kind,” “Clear and compassionate,” and “Safe to speak, safe to feel.”

A Final Word: The Power of “Both/And”

Polarity Management teaches us something profoundly human: Tensions are not failures, they’re invitations. They stretch our thinking, deepen our relationships, and lead with more wisdom.

Whenever you’re in conflict, pause and ask:

• What two values are trying to be heard here?
• Have we been breathing in too much of one and forgetting to exhale the other?
• What rhythm could restore the balance?

Managing polarities isn’t about perfection – it’s about posture. It’s about staying attentive to the natural flow of leadership, relationships, and change.

So, when the wind shifts, build a windmill. And don’t forget to breathe.