Why Dealing With a Difficult Person Starts With You

When someone consistently challenges ideas or opinions, they might gain the reputation of being a “difficult person.” It can be uncomfortable and awkward for their colleagues and leaders to always have their ideas questioned – especially if the response isn’t constructive. There’s an old proverb that reads, “It is seldom the fault of one when two argue,” which serves as a reminder of how easily a conversation can escalate when dealing with a difficult person.

I recently consulted with a leadership team who had one team member (lets call her Anna) that they found hard to work with. The team explained that Anna had always demonstrated this challenging behaviour, and that she would even challenge her own ideas if they were presented by somebody else. Her aggressive approach left her teammates feeling uneasy, causing them to lose their trust and respect in the department’s leaders. It may come as no surprise that employee engagement soon plummeted, alongside productivity and performance.

With this team, the situation was clearly not being handled well – if at all. After working with this group on an employee engagement journey, I realized that although Anna was aware of her actions, she didn’t recognize the impact they were having on her teammates. By talking about the issue, Anna learned that her actions were not aligning with her intentions; she had been taking out the stress she felt from her boss on her coworkers. She was now in a desperate position to turn things around before her colleagues completely abandoned her.

Although there will always be challenging people in our lives, how we choose to respond to them will determine our success at turning things around.

How should you respond to a difficult person?

Although there will always be challenging people in our lives, how we choose to respond to them will determine our success at turning things around. When handled well, we can create opportunities to build healthier relationships and feel more connected.

Situations like these are all too common when it comes to team interpersonal dynamics. When people challenge us, they may demonstrate signs of aggression. But this is often a subconscious reaction caused by their needs or values being threatened. Things can get even worse if they feel misunderstood, especially by the person they are communicating with. This is where you can step in and support them.

It is often easier to advise than to help, but why not do both? Imagine giving a difficult person the courage to engage with you so that you can get to the heart of the matter. The conversation will be much more likely to have a positive outcome.

It is often easier to advise than to help, but why not do both?

How can you help and support people you find challenging to work with?

Before having a conversation about their behaviour, make sure you have a strong, collaborative foundation. If you don’t have this kind of relationship with the person, take the time to:

01 | Build Trust

Demonstrate trust by developing credibility, reliability, and likability with the person.

02 | Set Expectations

Evaluate your expectations for the relationship. Share these expectations and ask the other person to share their expectations as well.

03 | Be Accountable

Hold yourself accountable for following through on your expectations and remind the other person that you would also like to help them to maintain accountability.

These three steps will help you build a safe and collaborative foundation, setting you up for ongoing success when handling your difficult person.

Use a calming technique to discuss their behaviour.

When it is time to have that conversation, you can further support the three steps above by applying an effective calming technique such as the Can-Can. This will help the other person feel understood and supported when you discuss their behaviour.

Doing the Can-Can during the conversation will ensure that you: 

• Acknowledge the other person’s feelings or position
• Take action and support them to make a change

For example, if you have ever had someone like Anna challenge you or someone else and you’re unsure what to say or do, try The Can-Can and see how it can turn the situation around:

• “I can see that you’re upset by this idea” (this acknowledges their feelings and position)
• “What I can do is listen to your concerns so we can find a way to move forward” (that’s action – what you are going to do about it)

This technique works because you are repeating two positive words that show understanding and support. The other person is now more likely to become calm and engage with you because they know you understand them and want to work with them to find a way forward.

The next time you are dealing with a difficult person, consider building a collaborative foundation.

The next time you are dealing with a difficult person, consider building a collaborative foundation by applying the Can-Can to defuse the situation and show your support. It can be an effective way to build trust, set expectations, and practice accountability. Acknowledgement of what another person is feeling and offering a supportive action may be one of the most useful starting points when engaging with a challenging personality.

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